Divided Will: Why You Stay Stuck Even When You Know Better
One of the most honest discoveries in Shadow Alchemy is this:
Being aware is not the same as being free.
You can understand your patterns perfectly.
You can name your wounds.
You can see the loop clearly.
And still…
You remain stuck.
Shadow Alchemy names the reason with precision:
Divided will.
Existential Kink (EK) is one practice within Shadow Alchemy that reveals unconscious charge.
Divided will is the broader condition:
Part of you wants change.
Part of you does not.
What Divided Will Actually Means
Divided will is not weakness.
It is not laziness.
It is internal complexity.
It is the fact that human beings are made of parts.
One part says:
I want liberation.
Another part says:
I want safety.
One part says:
I want intimacy.
Another part says:
I want distance.
Shadow Alchemy does not shame this split.
It illuminates it.
Why Knowing Better Does Not Solve It
Most people assume insight should fix everything.
But insight often stays in the cognitive layer.
Divided will lives deeper.
In the nervous system.
In protective strategies.
In old payoffs.
EK asks:
What is the unconscious enjoyment here?
Shadow Alchemy asks:
What is the unconscious protection?
The Hidden Payoff of Staying Stuck
This is the Shadow Alchemy truth:
Stuckness is rarely pointless.
There is usually payoff.
Staying stuck can provide:
identity
familiarity
avoidance of responsibility
avoidance of grief
avoidance of being seen
Existential Kink brings radical honesty:
Sometimes the psyche is getting off on the loop.
Not consciously.
Unconsciously.
The Desire Beneath the Desire
Divided will often appears when you say:
I want X…
But the deeper desire is something else.
Sometimes you want:
to want
to long
to stay unchosen
to never have to find out what happens if you actually receive
Shadow Alchemy is excavation beyond the surface goal.
Why Big Change Requires Unifying the Will
A major teaching in shadow alchemy is simple:
Transformation happens when you truly commit.
Not casually.
Not leisurely.
Not as a hobby.
There is a moment where you stop negotiating with the loop.
Shadow Alchemy calls this unification.
The Dragon Phase: When Things Intensify
Often, when divided will begins to unify…
Things get worse before they get better.
The psyche panics.
The protector parts scream.
The loop intensifies.
This is not failure.
This is the dragon.
Shadow Alchemy is the willingness to confront the dragon directly.
A Practice: Naming the Split
Try this:
Complete two sentences.
Part of me wants change because…
Part of me does not want change because…
Let both parts speak.
No correction.
No bypass.
Then offer radical approval:
Both belong.
Integration begins with inclusion.
Existential Kink as a Tool Inside Divided Will
EK is not the whole frame.
It is one practice within Shadow Alchemy.
EK helps when you are ready to admit:
There is charge here.
There is a payoff here.
But Shadow Alchemy also holds compassion:
The payoff is often protection.
Divided will dissolves through honesty and care.
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Start with Lucy Baldwin’s complete Shadow Alchemy overview for readers drawn to Existential Kink (EK), radical approval, and unconscious integration.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is divided will in Shadow Alchemy?
Divided will is the split between conscious desire for change and unconscious resistance or protection that keeps a pattern intact.
Does insight solve divided will?
Not by itself. Divided will lives in nervous system patterning, payoff, and protective strategies, not just thoughts.
How does Existential Kink relate?
EK reveals unconscious charge or enjoyment beneath stuckness, helping integrate the payoff rather than moralize it.
Why do things get worse when I start changing?
Because protector parts often escalate when the loop is threatened. Shadow Alchemy calls this the dragon phase.
How do I unify my will?
By naming the split honestly, including both parts with radical approval, and committing to the transformation with seriousness.
Next Steps: Enter DOMINION
If this teaching hits, you are ready for the deeper field.
Shadow Alchemy is where divided will becomes unified.
Where nothing is exiled.
Where Existential Kink becomes embodied honesty inside real transformation.
That is what DOMINION: A Field of Radical Approval is for.
DOMINION is Lucy Baldwin’s community devoted to:
somatic Shadow Alchemy practice
embodied Existential Kink beyond theory
radical approval without bypass
unconscious payoff integration
the end of exile